Today was a day spent by myself with myself. I find myself wanting to spend more time like that lately. Maybe it is just me getting older or maybe it is due to personal growth, it could be me being anti social but I don’t think so. A lot has happened the past year and I feel more happy/excited/anxious then ever for what is to come. I have been through so many stages during these past few years. I have encountered and conquered heartache; I have felt lonelier then ever. I have become someone I didn’t like at all, someone I was ashamed of, and I have been broken. I woke up and realized that no one can change me but me. You always hear the saying “you can’t change someone, they have to want to change themselves” but you never think of the person on the other end of the spectrum being you. At least I have always thought of myself as the “changer” not the person needing to change their self. I have come to the realization that instead of me worrying about others changing all the time I should bring my eyes and my heart back to myself and my life. After very little evaluation I can come to the conclusion that although I have come far, I am just beginning in this wonderful, crazy, wild journey we call life. It may be a continuation of the something I have already begun I am continuing it with a new sense of self. I am a girl who loves herself and think she is worth much. I am continuing a girl who is tired of just being, who wants to make a difference and not just claim it. I am a girl who has been/is/ and will continue to be called by someone much greater then herself. My journey has lead me nowhere near the destinations I anticipated but that is the beauty behind it. It is mine and far greater then I could have imagined. I challenge everyone to love the person you see when you look in mirror. If you look at the inside or out and see something you don’t like you have the power to change it. God has the power to change you and me but He loves us so much he won’t without us in on it.

Wow...it has been sooooo long since I have written on here. I normally wouldn't anymore  but I feel like i need to get some stuff off of my chest. I don't even think anyone really reads this so it is pretty much a harmless option. My life is so confusing right now. I don't know if it in inevitable or because I am simply making it that way. I guess I just don't know how to think; how to feel. Do you ever feel like you have become numb to life in a way? For me I was always an emotional person growing up. When I went to college that suddenly changed. I hated for people to see my cry. A few times it happened but I felt as if I let them see too much of me through my tears. When I first moved back home I was really emotional. Anything and everything sparked something in my heart. In the past year I have maybe cried twice, both times being at church. My question is...did something change within me? Is it better to be emotional or not to be? Did I become numb or am I simply growing up?

This morning:

(As the kids walk in to church they came up to me...)

the kids- "Miss Jenn you are back!"

me- "Yes I am...I missed you guys. Did you guys have fun last week with Mrs. Tammy?"

all the kids- "Yeah!"

(everyone sat down )

me- "So...I feel like I haven't seen you guys in forever! Did anyone do anything fun this weekend?"

(they all took turns saying what they did)

a kid- "Miss Jenn, What did you do?"

me- "Well, Last night I went to the banks christmas party."

a kid- "Who did you go with?"

me- "A boy."

all the kids- "YOU WENT ON A DATE."

me- "I guess you could say that."

one of the girls- "Who did you go with?"

me- "A boy named Jason."

(I changed the subject and we started talking about being Thankful. I asked the kids to tell me what they were thankful for one by one. One boy raised his hand so I called on him.)

One of the boys- "Miss Jenn did you kiss the boy? Are you in love?"

me- "What??!!!!"

the same boy- "Did you kiss the boy on your date last night."

me- "haha...No I did not. Who do you guys think I am!"

the same girl as earlier - "Geeze...Miss Jenn waits until at least the 2nd date."

I get to wear jeans to work for approximately the next 4 months while the bank gets remodeled and that pretty much makes my life! I still don't understand why we must fall back in time. It doesn't make sense to me. I get tired too early and I feel like I am at work until 10pm when it is supposed to be that dark. That is until I look at the clock and it is only 5 something. I have to be there until at least six. But then again...I get to wear jeans.

Is it weird to anyone else that you walk outside at 5:30 pm and it is dark?